Going through it EP 1

Going through it EP 1

Caitlin: [00:00:00] Something to note, we are not healthcare providers or professionals. We are, however, two people that lived through a momentous medical event and find comfort in sharing what worked for us to others. These are our experiences, and it is in no way meant to treat or diagnose the general public. Always listen to your body, and always listen to your doctors for guidance.

All right, let's get into it.

I'm Caitlin Rouse, and I'm Kevin Adams, and we're going through it.

Hello, podcast listeners. I'm Caitlin Rouse and he's Kevin Adams. Welcome to Going Through It, a podcast dedicated to unpacking how we are navigating a very chaotic year together. We are talking cancer diagnosis while pregnant, cancer treatments, surgeries, and now new parenthood. So I think it's important to open with why right out of the gate.

Why are we doing this? Well, as a [00:01:00] bit of background, I am still in active treatment, although I currently have two treatments left. I found out all of this from my pregnancy to my diagnosis, to treatment, to surgery, to motherhood, extremely hard to navigate, felt very isolating. And I wish I had someone talking to me about what their experience was like, you know, what to expect, how to cope, how to navigate the complete one 80 of my life.

It would have really helped me a lot. So here we are. To provide a little bit more background, I was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma. That is a very lengthy term for my type of breast cancer. All of this while I was six months pregnant, living in Miami, Florida in June of 2022. We are now in Baltimore, Maryland, where I and my family is from.

So we made the move because with baby arrival, I wanted to be closer to family. But the diagnosis, of course, [00:02:00] expedited things a bit. And after some research, I decided receiving my cancer care and treatment at Johns Hopkins was the best choice for us. I began my chemo while pregnant, receiving three rounds of AC.

AC is super easy lingo for doxorubiciclin cyclophosphamide, which is a horrible type of chemo. And I did that while pregnant. That was by far the hardest thing I think I've ever done in my life. And I'll definitely talk more about that and how it really affected me in another episode. But moral of the story is.

It fucking sucked. I got my last round after delivering our son, who I'm proud to share, is very happy and very healthy. I went on to receive 12 rounds of Taxel chemo, and I'm still receiving treatment of Herceptin and Progetta once every three weeks. But that's a lot about me, and there's somebody else here, and for the sake of our audience, [00:03:00] Kevin is not from here, or Miami, or even New York, where we met.

So please, Kevin, Tell us where you're from. 

Hi listeners. Thanks Kate. My name is Kevin Adams and I'm from Ogden, Utah. Kate and I met out in New York City and I was transferred to Florida in probably 2016 where we moved to Miami and we lived there all the way up until 2022. A year which when we found out about her pregnancy was shaping up to be.

the best year of my life. But with the discovery of the cancer, I knew it'd be the most meaningful year of my life.

So you said the most meaningful year of your life. What does that mean? What do you mean when you say that? 

Well, our relationship has always been just us. I think we always had the understanding that if we were going to start a family, it was going to be something that we did intentionally. [00:04:00] And so when it happened unintentionally, I was like, whoa, all right, that can happen because you thought you weren't even going to be able to have kids, right?

Well, that's what I've been told. And, and, you know, it's my second marriage and, that's what was understood. And so. When I say the most meaningful, I mean, when we found out about your cancer, I felt a part of me that kind of said, this is what I've been preparing for my entire life. Like, this is why I'm with this woman.

This is why I've gone through all the relationships I've gone through my ups and my downs. When we got to this year, I was still in, let's say the third phase of really rebuilding myself and kind of reprogramming my psyche from like my upbringing, and really going into the person that I wanted to be and guiding that growth.

And so when we got to. Baby. I was like, okay, all right. I think we can deal [00:05:00] with that. And then when we got to baby and cancer, I was like, oh, okay. This is why that was so hard.

As I'm sure a lot of you can imagine, I think within this whole process, and I know you've heard me say this a lot, and I hope that it doesn't lose what it really, truly means, but this experience has hands down. Made me fall in love with you all over again. This is something that no person should ever have to do alone.

Parenthood in general, right? Like, all sorts of applause for any single parent that's out there right now. Yeah, word... I...

Doing that and then having cancer on top of it, there's no way that I could have done it by myself and, um, to be able to cross into that and know that I have someone's hand to hold the [00:06:00] whole time that wants to even be there, um, not only wants to, but I Actively chooses to, which to me is far more sexy than anything else at this point in my life.

I have to say I've gotten to that point where You know, when you're younger and it's like, oh, and everybody's romantic and the butterflies, all of that's really nice, but that's fleeting, right? Like, there's a certain amount of time for that, but then as you get older and you meet people and they actively are like, no, I know you.

And yeah. yeah. I know what I like about you and I know what I don't like about you and I choose to be here. Like I'm still gonna love you. Like that to me is the most beautiful thing ever. So to see me like just watching me go through the worst thing I'll ever do in my life and still be there is. to just hear you say those words is like, yeah, I don't, I mean, it's hard for me to put words to it.

[00:07:00] It's nothing short of incredible and it's not lost on me at all. In this experience, I've met an astonishing amount of women who Not only we're going through breast cancer diagnosis or any cancer diagnosis or in treatment, but then also had to go through a divorce at the same time. And the amount of isolation that you feel already going through this, and then to just be hung out to dry, I can't even imagine.

So, um, you know, you deserve a lot of celebration as well. Oh, thank you so much, darling. I mean, to your point, I can't. Imagine leaving my best friend in that situation. Especially not with my child. I come from a place where, you know, it's... It's pretty common for there not to be two parents in the household.

I was lucky enough to have two parents, even [00:08:00] though my dad, that I call my dad, is my stepfather. And I think that I learned from him a kind of resolve, a kind of stick to itiveness. It's like, if you're doing something, you do that, and you mean it. So when it comes to the situation that we had in front of us, and What I was going to do, and where I was going to be, and what my priorities were.

My priorities were helping my friend through this, and then making sure that we're in a space where we can heal, so that we don't end up screwing up our child. Because I have a baby. I have a little baby boy. He's so amazing. You know? Yeah. So it was, for me, I feel like in life, and this is what I've always been told, everyone has a trial that they have to go through.

The reason why we have so many stories in the world is because all humans have a story. They have that beginning, [00:09:00] that growth portion, hopefully, and there's this huge challenge that they have to overcome, and then there's wisdom that they obtain after that challenge. And I felt like this was that part of my story.

You're describing the hero's journey. It's my talks with my brother coming out of the writer's talks, um, but yeah, yeah, everybody has their hero's journey. I guess I could have summed it up with that. And I don't feel like I have like a hero complex, but at the same time, I knew that as a person that, that just wants to be needed.

I knew that this was my chance to rise to that occasion, to be there for you and to just try to save my family because at the end of the day, that's all I've ever wanted. So it's like you got a family now, but now you have to really fight for it. So it's like, all right, this is my fight. Can't walk away from that.

[00:10:00] All right, and episode over. Thank you so much.

That's incredible. I mean, what do you say to that? I don't know what to say. I mean, I, what is the expression? Like nobody ever does anything incredible alone or nobody ever does anything hard. Yeah. Alone. I don't know what the expression is, but I know that no, no great man has ever accomplished anything or a man or a woman has accomplished anything.

Yeah. Excuse me. No great man or woman has accomplished anything by themselves. Yeah. And Yeah. If that's, if this experience has taught me anything, it's that asking for help is not a weakness. It's an act. Yeah. Oh, and

absolutely a necessity, but it, it took me, I'm that person that for my entire life never wanted to ask for help ever. And amongst moving and possible [00:11:00] homelessness and the instability. That is New York. Yeah, that is New York. That is being like a, basically a teenager in New York. Yeah, yeah. It forces you, what do you always say?

It really shows you where you are. I think that's why it's really important that we're doing this because I think there are a lot of people that are going into a situation Maybe not exactly like ours, but similar. And I think there are a lot of questions of like, you know, how to support one another or how to support someone that you love in a situation like this and all sorts of even like innocuous things like what shows and movies to watch, like what content to consume when you're, when you feel like garbage and you.

Look like garbage and you don't want to, you know, everything needs to be very low stakes. Like everything needs to be [00:12:00] fair though. Like you, I feel so bad that you were not able to enjoy like your, I mean, I don't know. I don't know anything about if, if women ever enjoy being pregnant, but you weren't able to climb out.

Of what you were going through to kind of like look back and see how beautiful you were and just how amazed I was with you. I feel like when someone wants something so bad, when they finally get it, it's never ideal. And there's situations where certain people... Those things that are not ideal, they might, it can crush them, it can turn them off the whole thing.

I had hoped and prayed, I got to see you carry my child, and when it was happening, And then I realized that, and you taking the circumstances, it still was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. [00:13:00] And it went far beyond everything that I ever really imagined. And so, I just wish that you would have gotten the chance to kind of bask in all that was like you being glorious and pregnant and bald.

It was amazing. It was beautiful. And I love the fact that people took time, random strangers. Would take time, all the time, to tell you that. Well, thank you, that's... Because that's just an incredible thing to say to another human. Thank you so much. And I,

for anybody out there who is listening at all, just to paint a picture, literally sitting here in, um, a room that we just moved into and I'm looking at a desktop and the desktop is a trio of pictures that he has of me, like pregnant and completely bald. And if we ever do, if anything comes of this and there's a place to go online, maybe we should post it there.

And because I, you're right. I mean, I didn't really,[00:14:00] it was more, I don't want to say excruciating. It was more of an inconvenience, but it was. I didn't get to go through any sort of enjoyment with it at all. It was, you know, I feel very privileged to have had a very quote unquote easy pregnancy. I was going through chemotherapy.

So, , that definitely made things , even worse. I just wanted to say that hearing you speak all of that is very special to me and But it's also like very interesting to grapple with now, because being a mother is not anything I ever saw for myself. I mean, if we're just going to rip the band aid off right here and be as honest as possible, it was something that I heavily considered in the beginning, if I even wanted to do it when we found out.

I didn't, , there was, I would say. I don't know. There was a, there was a portion there where it was like 60, 40. Like, I don't think I'm going to do this. I never [00:15:00] saw this for myself. I really want to grow a lot, both professionally and personally. I don't feel like I'm ready or in the space for this at all.

And, you know, I think you, like being my partner, you really, I don't want to say changed my mind, but really made, gave me a lot of things to consider that I hadn't with, with regard to that and in terms of motherhood or parenthood in general. Um, and you know, I, and I'm cherishing every day now with our son.

I mean, I think he's I mean, he's pretty awesome. I think every parent thinks that of their child, but I, you know, he's, he's pretty fucking cool. Uh, and there's some days that maybe I don't feel like that and that's okay. Like that's [00:16:00] fine. I will say that in this journey, there were plenty of times where I again, just felt hopeless and helpless.

Like I said, out on this island all by myself, having a baby really forces you to immediately start thinking about the future and that really put into perspective, like what I was really up against here. I don't think I really came to terms with how major everything was or how high stakes everything was until he came here.

And All that to say, seeing his face, when he learned how to smile, like when he learned how to laugh, like on those days that were like my really hard days, and I would peel myself out of bed, even though it was almost impossible to get out of bed, it felt like, and I would walk into his room, and I'd open the door, and then I'd see this little tiny cherub face turn over and look up at me and just [00:17:00] smile, like ear to ear, it was just like.

Okay. Right. This is why I'm doing this like it was just, yeah, it, it, it turned out to be

even more to fight for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny because, one of the hardest things that I've had to check myself on most often. I'm going through this with you is the language that I think that a lot of people tend to develop and use when it comes to a family member or a close one or somebody that you care about that's going through something that is incredibly tough, life threatening or seemingly insurmountable.

We tend to immediately, speak in a language that empathizes with them. But at the same time kind of puts you in their shoes. And when you get down to it, when you get down to the real base of it, the one, the first thing that I learned [00:18:00] and checking that language is that I can't relate and it's funny because it seems like the closer that you are to someone and the more you love someone, the more you care about them and the more you want them to pull through and the more you invest in their recovery.

The more you want to relate because you're feeling stressed too, and you want to relay that but it doesn't come off like that I realized that when that was my mindset When I spoke to you about things when I tried to comfort you when I tried to help you You know set up appointments and get ready to move and you know pack for things and we were talking about what the doctors the options The doctors are giving us When I came from that point of view, , it always hit you as like an outside voice that didn't know what they were talking about.

And it's funny because sometimes we try so hard to be something for someone and. Because [00:19:00] we're not in that situation and we haven't been in that situation, we miss horribly and it's so hard not to take that stance. And when someone says, Hey, everything you're saying to me is not reading the way that I, that you think it is.

It's hurting me. It's making things worse. It's making me feel like more isolated. Even though you're trying to make me feel like I'm not alone. And I realized that it was because my perspective was still from trying to relate to your situation instead of just trying to support. And so in that, when you talk about how to support somebody through their worst days, um, that thing about.

You know, our little boy's smile in the morning. That was like one of the things that first clicked with me . You were like, I don't want to do this. [00:20:00] I don't know if I can do this. I can't do this. And it's gonna mess up my baby because I'm so stressed and I can barely get out of bed and exhausted and I can't pick him up and I was like When you go in the room and you see him smile in the morning, 

That should let you know, that you're doing a good job.

Right now, in his stage of life, that's the most important thing. And I know that I wouldn't have been able to say that, or even feel that way, because Um, as your partner and as his father, I felt like I was failing to, I felt like I couldn't do it. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but that was the place where I could relate.

Um, that smile really freed me , from a lot of my despair and it set in front of [00:21:00] me, at least for that day, what was really important.

I'm trying to not like actively cry as we're going through all of this again, going through all of this again, but I, um, , what I do think is important though to, um, really touch on is that, is it about me? Yes. , of course this all we're in the situation that we are now in.

directly because of my pregnancy, my cancer diagnosis, the treatment, the surgeries, blah, blah, blah. Um, but I think it's really important as a team and as the partnership that we coexist in every single day, I think it's really important to acknowledge that it wasn't just me going through it, that it was also you, that there are also.

a whole slew of [00:22:00] emotional, physical, mental, you know, told that it takes on being a caregiver. And what that really looks like to be a caregiver and the stresses that can cause from day to day, because you sacrificed a lot. To be here and to be here for us and, you know, we couldn't have done this without you and I would just be remiss to not acknowledge that how you feel and what you think also matters.

Like that is also equally as important because we are a team and If there is anybody listening out there who's also going through this as a team, you know, as my care [00:23:00] partner, what they went through, what, , the psychological toll on them through this whole process was, or maybe, ways you were able to cope.

Maybe ways that you weren't able to cope and just so people feel Seen and validated, , and it's normalized a little bit. There's so many aspects to this that a We're just so foreign to me. But B are not normalized and not validated and I feel like it's so important to talk about because Who the hell else is talking about it?

Because I couldn't find any of it. Like I, and again, we're going to unpack all of this in future episodes. Yeah, absolutely. But I, I think just to really, really hone in on the why here, like why we're doing this, this is why we're doing this because it's, there's so many aspects and [00:24:00] so many.

Absolutely. Absolutely. There's so many facets of this that just a lot of times go untouched and not talked about. And I think it's important to talk about it. I mean, for me, and one of the reasons why I really wanted to support this and support you in this was number one, I think you're the right person, the right kind of person, to talk about this.

Number two, I'm hoping that'll be a part of your healing process. Thank And number three is all the time that we spent going in and out of the hospital, especially earlier this year, we came across a lot of people, even me talking to my family members and friends who have been through similar situations yet when you, like you just said, went to look for those resources, to look for those conversations, they were nowhere to be found.

So to know that people are going through this. And to know that there are other shared [00:25:00] experiences out there, there are other success stories,

um, to know that you're not alone, if you're in this situation, I felt moved to help you get your story out there so that that our conversation was out there. It was a shame that we didn't have that resource, but hopefully we can , make that resource for someone else.

Let's not mince words here. Like this is also very therapeutic just to talk about it like in an open space. I think it's, I mean, it's not super fun to relive a lot of this stuff, but I think it's again, really. It's important to just get it all out there because I mean, as cliche as it sounds like cancer like it is, it sticks to you.

It just infects like every facet of your life. And like, even when you think you're like, okay, I'm on the upswing, I'm like out of this. It's still just like, there's still just like a muck like around your ankles and your legs and you're like, Oh, I'm [00:26:00] taking more steps and it's just like, starts like pulling it down again.

It's just, it's. It's a very invasive thing, whether it's mental or physical or, you know, emotional, all of it. So I'm glad we're doing this. I really am. I don't know if there are any listeners who are facing anything remotely similar to , what we have experienced. I do really want to address any of those people listening right now and tell you that you are strong, you are graceful, you are beautiful, even when you don't feel like it.

And even when you don't recognize the person looking back at you in the mirror in the morning, it's important to know that you are capable of fighting and so much more. If I can do this, you can absolutely do this. , anybody can, if I can. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening. And yeah, hopefully we get more info here [00:27:00] soon on where to tune in.

Thanks guys. Bye. Transcribed